Little Bean

This post began a little while ago. A little while ago, filled with energy and light I was determined to write again having spent a few months reading amazing books, sharing lots of time with friends, new and old, and of course, plenty of time with my family. Lil M is growing so much and such a strong personality. She’s caring, clever and funny. She’s compassionate and warm. When we put her to bed at night and say goodnight, all on her own without prompting she says thank you. Thank you for whatever little thing we’ve done during the day or days past. “Thank you mum swimming. Thank you dad swings. Thank you play dough.” And tonight “thank you mum fruit toast. Thank you dad Children’s animals farm.” So sweet and honest; she loves the small bits that make up everyday and most of all she loves us. Us and Yo Gabba Gabba. And Lego.  And digging in the dirt. She makes us laugh and smile and go “awww…” a lot. She makes us enjoy and love those small parts of the days too. The simple bits are so special for her and now for us. She’s one special kid! So I’ve been caught up in her and other things and away from Waiting In Gums but have been ready to come back for a while and preparing what I wanted to write and share. Which books have shaped the last weeks and months for me. There have been some great ones. Friends have recommended books I probably wouldn’t have just picked up myself and I’m trying to be more open about what I read. But more about those later. This post has taken a turn.

Catching up and reading my last entry, I smile thinking of that nesty feeling and all that cooking. Ramzy ended up buying me Manna From Heaven for my birthday. I’m sure the Library will be happy to have their copy back as I’d been abusing the re borrowing system and racking up fines on my card. I still love it and the recipes I now know by heart and are still discovering new ones. I’ve baked biscuits for friends and lil M and I have donned our matching great grandma made aprons and dusted plenty of flour about the kitchen. In early July those nesty feelings hummed and hummed and we excitedly discovered that I was pregnant so the need to bake increased ten fold. Chocolate biscuits were medicinal and eased my overwhelming morning sickness. Lil M followed me about the house making “Bluurrrghh” sounds imitating with much hilarity my vomit poetics.  Then it was granny smith apples so I munched them down and we made apple crumble together. Poached apples became M’s ‘apple pie’ and we had fun watching shiny green apple peel drop all over the floor.  And then I needed sleep. Lots of it. A blanket of exhaustion fell over me and the couch was my sweet, sweet friend. I retreated from the computer and no thoughts of writing or sharing or chatting came to me. The little life inside had taken hold and my body no longer just mine. I happily let it and relished  (most of the time!) in becoming a mum again. My belly began to grow and I took quiet pride n showing it off and digging out my maternity jeans. M kissing my belly and me laughing and the idea of how huge I’ll get not being able to see her below me. Those early weeks are of course tough, with nausea and fatigue and hormonal craziness. But the excitement soon takes over and you begin to imagine the little pea within growing into your lives. They belong. Some early ultrasounds gave us a glimpse and the little heart beating away made us all melt and smile. Our Little Bean coming into being.

This is hard. Sadly, this week, week 13,  after some weeks of concerning complications I had a miscarriage. I never thought that this would happen despite all of the cautionary language we had used “oh it is early days…”, “if all goes well…”. And even though I knew in my heart that something was not quite right the words that we heard after our final ultrasound this week were real, and shocking and although spoken with such warmth and compassion felt hot and sad and lonely and mostly incredibly heartbreaking. “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.” We wept together and the rest is just for us but I feel I need to write about this. So many I know have been through this too and I’m still in the early stages of coming to grips with what has happened. That the little person we had been imagining has gone and that nothing could be done or changed and this loss is as natural as conception. The body is incredible and I trust in that. But of course it hurts and the feeling of emptiness is hard to feel. I am still in in a bit of a fog after being in day surgery yesterday which raised memories of M’s emergency cesarean and the raw opposition of that wonderful day this incredibly hard day. Lil M had said to me before I went to hospital “maybe doctor give mum cuddle” and they did. Those at The Royal Women’s Hospital are amazing and I’m so thankful to the staff who helped us. We’re exhausted and sad. But hopeful as well.  Lil M makes us smile and laugh and making and play play dough with her has been great therapy. I feel so lucky to have her. Her recent desire to have a ‘babycino’ in the morning, EVERY morning (my fault!) has her running up the hall to wake up her dad and she passes me coffee and gets us all going. She asked me this morning about “baby in mum’s tummy” and I calmly and tearfully told her that the baby had gone but that we’ll wait for another baby when the time is right. That some babies aren’t ready to come into the world yet. She said “Wait for baby. Wait for baby. Not yet. Waiting.” and gave me a hug and kissed my belly. Awww..!! I smile now through tears thinking about the pregnancy and about Little Bean. My friends and family have been so wonderful and allow us and share with us in our grieving for his tiny life; his nurtured and loved life within me. We got to see his heart beating and although so tiny, too tiny to have developed much beyond 9 weeks, we love him and always will. We have to start imagining something new for the months ahead. But not yet. For now, it is time to rest and heal and reflect. And to cry some more. And to share time with my lovely family. I have a lucky life.

And to garden. M and Ramzy and I have been in the garden quite a bit and the little kernels of apricots have just popped up all over our tree. Overnight they sprung. New life. All green and fresh. We are planning a snow pea garden and M can “dig, dig, dig”. Perhaps broad beans or sugar snaps. I’m not a green thumb and, much like keeping diaries, I often get in there and go at it then step back and get distracted by other things. But I’m getting better and am enjoying spending time pulling out weeds and braving the compost bin; all worming and dark. Our herbs have also come back to life and the garlic M and I planted a while ago are shooting up all over the place. Now we just have to wait for it to be ready to pick. Till the time is right. It will come.

xx

*sorry, I couldn’t flip the image. I hope you don’t get a sore neck!

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