Quiet Little Cricket

“A Luna moth sailed quietly through the night. And the cricket enjoyed the stillness.”

Those are my favourite sentences in any book that I’ve ever read. It is from Eric Carl’s beautiful children’s book, The Very Quiet Cricket. I often say it to myself when I’m pottering around or need my own moment of stillness. I’m always happy when M chooses this book. It is so simple and poetic and of course the illustrations are so beautiful, so familiar. I love when the new born Cricket tries to speak wanting to respond to his friendly and encouraging insect family. “The little Cricket wanted to answer, so he rubbed his wings together. But nothing happened. Not a sound.” This lovely prose repeated throughout the story becomes such a calming lullaby. I’ve been thinking about it a lot in the last couple of weeks and especially about the luna moth sailing and the Cricket enjoying the stillness. I’ve been learning a lot about slowing down and being still. Being patient and surrendering to the idea, the fact I suppose, that I can’t control everything. I’ve never considered myself a control freak actually, but I guess not many would admit to it, but I’ve always thought of myself as quite laid back. I’m easy going. That’s why I hardly ever do housework and I almost destroy the kitchen even if I’m only making toast (passionate cook). As I’ve said before, I’m not sure that we own an iron and I thought it funny that M called the washing up rubber gloves “Dad’s gloves” the other day. You may say these examples point toward a lazy person, I choose the adjective relaxed. I am fairly easy going or ‘relaxed’ about a lot of things and I’m very patient with people and in waiting rooms but not always with myself. And well…I do have a tendency, as Ramzy points out, to worry about stuff. Anything. I worry about worrying or even crazier I worry sometimes about not worrying. And what I’ve come to realise that that has a lot to do with control and not being able to be still. I’m also over analytical and have a tendency to go over and over things that have already passed too, too much. So I thought a healthy thing to try out to help me through the stress and emotion following my miscarriage would be to give stillness a go. Just to slow right down. Try and think about what is going on right now, in front of me and all of the lovely people that I’m sharing those moments with. Even if that is just me.

I also thought it best if I just let my emotion, whatever that might be just come right out when it needed to – which occasionally it has in surprising times with surprising force. Luckily in one such case, I was in the waiting room at the GP and I could see that everyone was thinking, man, this girl has got something nasty! And at the Osteopath I came completely undone but that was the best thing that I could happen. My Osteo is amazing. I’ve only been to her twice, but she is like somekind of Guru. She did incredible things to me. Wowzaz. I slept so peacefully that night and woke with such a clear head. What a woman, that Osteo. And that emotion spills over in private moments too over little things, like pulling out some massively gigantic underpants that I had been excited to eventually wear again. Funnily enough, I also burst into tears when I first picked up those massive undies, let’s call them mundies. I was shopping with my friend for wedding knickers. They are meant to be the oh-so-sexy-can’t-wait-to-get-em-off kind. But, being 7 months pregnant with M and the size of a removal van but rounder, these mundies were not so sexy rather a practical cover for my ever expanding arse. And they were beige. Nuff said. I took them to the counter and burst into uncontrollable sobs and snot and made frightening sounds only to be repeated when in labor about 2 months later (but without the swearing or pushing of husband). The woman behind the counter cooling slid a box of tissues in front of me and reassured me that this happens all the time. That did make me feel better. I’m pretty sure that under the counter there were tissues labelled as follows:

1. Silky Tissues for tearful, happy, I haven’t eaten for 6 months but I’m so, so happy bride to be
2. Sensible Tissues for the Mother of the bride/ friend/support person of the bride to dab supportive tears
3. Thick, plentiful tissues for pregnant bride who madly thought it was a good idea to get married at 32 weeks.

Anyway, I also cried once loudly and laughingly in class when I was teaching secondary students and we were watching Matilda after studying the book. The ending just got me. The kids thought it endearing and HILARIOUS. We all kacked ourselves.

There have been times when I feel like I haven’t been able to speak at all, like the very quiet cricket rubbing my wings together. Wanting to respond but just stuck for words or all mixed up. As if all my words are collecting in my throat and I need to cough them out. I’ve found this, when I’ve wanted to say a simple thank you. Everyone has been so wonderful. My thank you doesn’t seem big enough. Your thoughts and kindness and sincerity on Waiting In Gums and through emails and Facebook messages and big, warm, engulfing hugs. My aunty sent us a beautiful card with two packets of pea seeds which arrived in a moment that was perfect. A hug via post. We loved it. So thoughtful and loving. People have shared their own painful experiences to help me and I am so, so thankful. These words, the support, the kindness really has helped me and Ramzy and Lil M so much. Impossible to say. Hear my wings rubbing. Thank you. Thankyou. Thankyou.

A gorgeous sunny day in the park

I’ve been feeling better and having some nice moments of being still and lots of special times with my family. A sunny Melbourne weekend works wonders especially when spent at The Botanic Gardens. Up and down, but getting more ups than downs which I believe is due to the huge group hug that I have shared with all of you. Thank you. So next week I’m keen to get the Book Club happening again and I’d like to share about a book that I was surprised, and slightly embarrassed for some reason to LOVE. So Book Club idea are most welcome. Some ideas so far are Monkey Grip by Helen Garner, To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee, Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami or maybe something brand new. I’ve been reading a lot and cutting down on tv – not too much – but enough to read and write more. Helps me think about my luna moth. Lovely and still.

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